LORD....

I give You my heart.

How many times I've sang this song in church,

Lord, I give You my heart
I give You my soul
I live for You alone
Every Breath that I take
Every moment I'm awake
Lord, have Your way in me
(Source)

Have Your way in me, Lord.  I pray this prayer, but I am not always prepared for what God will bring.  When it comes to attitudes and issues of my heart, those things about myself that are hard to face, I would rather hang onto the old heart, because the pain of facing myself is sometimes too overwhelming.

I have been walking down some old paths lately.  I've been partnering with old thought patterns and allowing my emotions to slow me down in my pursuit of God.  The mind and the heart are so closely connected.  I have allowed my negative thought processes to filter down into my heart.  The pain of dreams yet unfulfilled.  The pain of "if I only would have".  The pain of regret and missed opportunities.  And even though the feelings I have are valid, my response to them have been far from perfect and have adversely affected my heart.  I have allowed my heart to become diseased.

A couple of nights ago, as I was striving to give God my all in worship, we had the following dialogue,

GOD: Give your heart to me.

ME: I already have.

GOD: Give me your heart.

ME: Lord, You have my heart.

GOD: I want to give you a new heart.

ME: Lord, it hurts too much. Can't you just fix the one I have?

GOD: I can fix it, yes. However,  I desire to give you a new heart. 

I was undone at that moment. There are things in my heart that keep me from pursuing my Beloved the way I desire to.  These things keep me in a place of unworthiness and insignificance and prevent me from moving forward in my pursuit of Him.  These things must be pulled up by their roots.  God desires to break every chain that binds, and remove every barrier that hinders me from running hard after Him.  I am desperately in need of a new heart. 

I've been crying out for God. For the Living God.

My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD;
my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God.
(Psalm 84:2) 

And as I cry out for more of God, He comes, like a flood, to fill my heart. But lately I feel that there is hardly room enough for God to come and occupy the deep places of my heart.  My arteries have become clogged. The blood flow of the life of Christ that is running through my veins is sometimes blocked from reaching the very core of my heart.  And my heart often beats for other lovers.  Other things and other relationships that can only bring momentary satisfaction.  I want a heart that beats for Him and Him alone, a heart flowing with the richness of His love and mercy.  A heart that is pure and unwavering in my faith.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,

and renew a steadfast spirit within me.  (Psalm 51:10)

And even though my heart says "YES", I am weak. My love for Him is weak. I would rather not have to endure the pain of facing myself, my shortcomings, my failures, my attitudes. But I trust Him to care for my heart, despite the pain.

Sometimes God comes as the Potter.  His desire is to mold and shape me more into His image and likeness.  At other times, God comes to cleanse and to purge, to take out the impurities in my heart so that I will have space for the Holy God of the universe to reign there.  And there are still other times when God comes and desires to bring a complete overhaul of my heart.  This is where I am today.  I've struggled with these "little" issues for far too long.  They are weighing me down and slowing me down.

"So I place my heart into Your hands, Lord,
and offer it up to You."

And even though it's painful, I trust that God will care for my heart gently and tenderly.  I am willing to endure the pain of a heart transplant if it means I will gain Christ as my reward.